Mildred Muhammad (Photo by Heath Haussamen)
The story of D.C. sniper John Allen Muhammad’s ex-wife – a woman the system completely failed — shows the importance of community and self-reliance
You can’t rely on the system. Before you mentally check out because of my use of the cliché “the system,” hear me out. I’m talking about any structure we put in place to organize and improve our lives, and that includes government, churches, the medical system and, in this instance, the law enforcement system.
So let me start again: You can’t rely on the system.
No one knows this better than a victim of domestic violence, and a month ago I had an opportunity to hear from a woman who understands this reality better than most.
Mildred Muhammad, the ex-wife of D.C.-area sniper John Allen Muhammad, was in Las Cruces to promote her new book and share the story of her ex-husband’s high-profile sniper killings from a perspective I’d not heard before. Weeks later, as her ex-husband was executed on Tuesday for his crimes, I still find myself pondering what can be taken from her experience.
Mildred Muhammad was a victim of domestic violence. Prosecutors alleged during her husband’s trial that he shot a number of innocent men, women and children so that, when he killed her, her death would appear to be random.
Heath Haussamen
As I listened to Mildred Muhammad, one thing struck me: She spoke little about anything the system can do to help victims of domestic violence, or about how the system can be improved. Even when directly asked questions that begged for answers related to the system, she instead talked about what people can do to help each other.
I can understand why. The system completely failed her, her children, the people who were killed and society in the case of John Allen Muhammad.
Her then-husband, Mildred Muhammad said, came back from Saudi Arabia after the Gulf War a different person. He practiced “psychological warfare” on her, as he was trained by the military to do. (John Allen Muhammad’s attorney disputes this.)The system didn’t help Mildred Muhammad as John Allen Muhammad threatened to kill her, took their children and emptied their bank accounts.
“I know he’s going to kill me, but I still can’t get anybody to listen to me because I don’t have any visible scars and they think I’m just being a drama queen,” Mildred Muhammad said in Las Cruces.
It was only when John Allen Muhammad started killing other people that the system kicked in, law enforcement got to the bottom a crime spree, and Mildred Muhammad’s life was saved.
Systems fail
It should not have taken murder for the system to step in and stop John Allen Muhammad’s reign of terror. But it did. And, across the nation, it does. I used to be a police reporter, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve run into situations in which the law wasn’t strong enough to protect women who were being abused.
If the cops are called, laws are often so weak that men will be home to beat women again within hours of being arrested for beating them the first time. Restraining orders still allow for borderline stalking (actual stalking is illegal), as long as it happens from a distance.
On top of that, restraining orders can be violated. Put simply, the law enforcement system can’t fully protect victims of domestic violence.
Systems fail. All one has to do is look at the Catholic Church’s sex abuse scandal or problems with America’s medical system (click here and here) to know that our government isn’t the only system with problems.
I’m also reminded of the imperfections in the systems we create by last week’s killings at Fort Hood in Texas. Signs that the killer had embraced a radical form of Islam were missed, and 13 people are dead.
We need to live in community
So what can be done? I’m not one to give up on systems. They’re a necessary and important part of our lives. For example, our health-care system is broken, and I’m glad there’s a debate about how to fix it. We all should be more involved in working to improve the systems that impact our daily lives. This is a Democracy, after all, and when the system failed Mildred Muhammad, it was really the collective “we” – including you and me – who failed her.
But we can’t rely too much on such systems. We need to shift our values to place importance on being an active part of a community. We should seek to build relationships with people who are willing to help us in our times of need – and be willing to help other people when they have needs.
Living in community is empowering. When you’re in community, you’re less likely to find yourself isolated in an abusive situation. You have the means to become more self-reliant. Society is better for that. (What I’m talking about is in many ways like the political economy term “mutual aid,” but it goes beyond that and also includes a more human element.)
What does that tangibly look like when we’re talking about domestic violence? Asked during her visit to Las Cruces what can be done to combat domestic violence, Mildred Muhammad had several suggestions:
• Clean out a room in your home and offer shelter to a victim. It’s easy to tell someone they should leave an abusive partner, but if you don’t help provide them with the means to do it, they may not have the ability to leave.
• Learn to communicate and address relationship problems so they don’t escalate.
• Take responsibility for your own actions.
• Raise your children to know that violence is not tolerable.
In short, people need to be willing to help themselves — and each other.
“There is one question you should ask (victims of domestic violence), and that is, ‘How can I help you?’” Mildred Muhammad said.
That’s a statement we should take to heart any time we encounter someone in need.
I suspect if we spent a little less time waiting for systems such as government and churches to help us and others around us, and more time taking responsibility for ourselves and providing aid to others in need, our world would be a better place.