COMMENTARY: This Father’s Day, I offer an idea how to celebrate: Have a heartfelt conversation centered on love, accountability or forgiveness. Maybe all three if you’re feeling ambitious. Getting started can be as simple as saying, “I love you because…” “I’m sorry for…” or “I forgive you for…”
Courtesy photo
Ian Esquibel
I am a father of two New Mexican children: Aurora, my 3-year-old daughter, and Javi, my 6-month-old son. According to my father’s research, my children are fourteenth-generation New Mexicans. I believe “we are our ancestors’ wildest dreams,” and I believe each generation has the ability to love, grow and heal beyond the preceding generation.
For the past three years (maybe my whole life) I’ve been working on how I show up in the world for Aurora and Javi — specifically how I embody feminism and masculinity so my children develop healthy identities. My heart desires well-being, happiness, confidence, curiosity, compassion and courage for them. How can I father to encourage these outcomes?
I am unsure. For me, fathering can be a good amount of trial-and-error. An approach may work one day with one child and not the next. I’m learning being a father means constantly adapting. While I am unsure about specific tactics because they shift moment to moment, I am sure my actions grounded in consistent, heartfelt values create a safe stability. In New Mexico, combining the values of love, accountability and forgiveness could create a grounding that changes the landscape of our families and broader communities.
Our state has rich culture and complicated history. Our children learn from both. It’s important I teach both to Aurora and Javi. Also, it’s important I teach my children how to envision a future different from our past. Love, accountability and forgiveness could be the fertile soil for something different and something exciting to blossom in our state. Imagine how strong our children will grow playing in this soil.
Part of playing in the soil is speaking the languages of our values. For my children to learn the languages of love, accountability and forgiveness, I want to speak them in my home, with our family. I want to speak them in our community, with friends and neighbors. Aurora and Javi may grow tired of hearing me say “I love you because…” “I’m sorry for…” and “I forgive you for…” — but their hearts will be planted in nourishing soil and they will be fluent in the value languages. With this fluency, what’s possible for them? For us?
John’s first letter to the Corinthians reminds us, “The greatest of these is love.” Love is an infinite resource. It can enhance all other values. When we hold others accountable lovingly and we forgive others lovingly, we shift. This Father’s Day, make shift happen. Engage in a loving conversation. Start or continue a powerful conversation with your family. Practice the fluency of the languages of love, accountability and forgiveness with your father and children.
I love Aurora and Javi for the light they bring to our world. I’m sorry for the unintentional hurt I cause in their lives. I forgive myself for being imperfect with them. When they offer apologies for their imperfections, I forgive them, too. Until I take my last breath on this earth – when I join our ancestors and return to the New Mexican soil — I’ll conclude as many conversations with my children as possible with, “I love you.”
Born and raised in New Mexico, Ian Esquibel is a coach and consultant. He works with social justice leaders and nonprofits on alignment, development and planning. Ian indulges in his time with Katie, his wife, and their two children. Agree with his opinion? Disagree? NMPolitics.net welcomes your views. Learn about submitting your own commentary here.